15 October 2003 - 10:30 a.m.

You know what's sort of liberating?

Admitting that I don't really like school this semester on diaryland for the whole world (ok, maybe 30 people) to see.

Yeah, I thought I was obligated to learn a bunch of theory and crap, and that's still true, but it occurs to me that I haven't had a bad semester since I started studying film.

But with no film the semester, I literally feel like my life has no purpose, except to sit in class mentally applying panoptic theory to Isle of the Dead.

Still, when you start thinking of your M.A. as "not a total loss," it's time to start looking forward to a break.

Sorry, Brown. Sorry, Yale. Sorry, NYU. I know how much you wanted me for next year.

The hardest thing is putting a year between myself and my dissertation (on Val Lewton, natch.) I know it seems like that's looking so far ahead, but it's been a real carrot on a stick, leading me through my current program, which doesn't seem to serve me at all, except maybe in its astounding capacity to lighten the wallet.

But I have ten chapters of a novel, and no time to work on it, plus a lot of other stuff in progress. If I don't invest some time into all that, basically, my two prior degrees will be meaningless.

And for as much as literary and cultural studies is a noble calling, it doesn't deserve that much importance. Not from me anyway, at least, not yet.

I know this entry is some utterly fascinating shit. I guess I just felt I had to admit defeat in some kind of official way. Before wallowing in the failure of having to revert back to the fun, creative person I used to be.

So I'm not jumping ship. I'll get the damn diploma, and my (okay, Gus') money's worth. But after that, the cool me just might have to take over for a while.

Damn you, wit! Damn you, spirit! Damn you, fleeting academic pretensions! You've foiled me yet again!

What I'm wearing: Gray pants, purple sweater.

What I'm reading: The wind tearing holes in the sky!

What I'm doing after this: class