4 June 2002 - 10:57 a.m.

A question:

What's the deal with projectile diarrhea? Because people joke about it, but I don't think it's a real health concern. I know projectile vomiting happens, because I know someone who projectile vomited. His name was Keith. But I'm mot so sure about projectile diarrhea, and while I know that some people think poop is super funny, I don't, and I'd thank you to stop playing fast and loose with medical terminology if feces can't actually fly.

Another question, posted by an anonymous guestbook signer who I presume to be her. My apologies, EP, if you are not the Scorpio Sphinx, but even if you aren't and are considering CoMputer U for your MA/PhD, this information will be of use to you:

Q. GOOD GOD! Is M1ch@eI |/|/1tmore (Prof. McHotHot) single?

A. Yes, in that he is unmarried, no in that he has a very pretty girlfriend to whom I have never been properly introduced. I would say, though, that she is not as attractive as you, and that if you want to hit that shit, go for it. I will, of course, be forced to weep with jealousy, but I did have four years of opportunity and never managed to seize it. So good luck to you.

Since November, M frequently sports a gigantic plastic daisy ring on his pinky, which is odd, to say the least. This, I fear, may be a sign that he's engaged, but, again, as my mother really should have said at some point or another, "You can hit whatever shit you want to, if you just put your mind to it." Word.

While most answers to my "Should I use the word "fuck" in a musical comedy?" question were in the affirmative, she maintains that my female characters should shy away from the f-bomb, or risk seeming less attractive.

Well, this line of thinking poses a bit of a problem for me, for a couple of reasons. One, I think girls who swear are hot, which may not count for much being that I am both a hetero female and profane female. More importantly, though, if women ever do really win the war for equal pay, equal rights, and equal orgasms, we should not be denied the basic privlidge of yelling, "Fuckin-A!" whilst looking ravishing when all is said and done. I mean, there's always the boo-yah alternative, but if saying boo-yah doesn't make a girl just a tad more plain, I don't know what does.

Finally, a concern: Jess, I'm starting to fear that our B-list celebrities are not B-list enough. Maybe we should find some people who are a little bit more obscure, Donny Most, mayhaps. I am crushed to find out that on the eve of what may be the Golden Age of John Ritter's Dance Party (and by Golden Age I mean we might actually finsih an issue), John Ritter may make a comeback. Why? Why us? It's not fun to make fun of successful people. What if that guy, Darren, the famous choreographer, teaches JR some moves, and people start ordering John Ritter's Dance Party because they think it's a workout video? John Stamos is another example. "Stop John Stamos" would be spreading like wildfire if he weren't on Broadway. Why the hell does he have to have musical talent? Who would have known that all those dumb songs he wrote for the Olsen twins were not actually the cream of his repetoire?

I guess in times like these, it's best to remember the sage words of our friend Joey Gladstone: "That's not a tragedy. A tragedy would be like, if your butt fell off."

What I'm wearing:

What I'm reading:

What I'm doing after this: