29 May 2002 - 11:00 p.m.

Dude, I have the biggest non-sexual crush on 50s TV moms today.

Oh, fuck it. I have the biggest sexual crush on 50s TV moms today. Maybe this has something to do with the lack of attractive males on Happy Days. I guess Richie was okay, albeit wussy, but who cou;ld take the Fonz seriously? Howard and Al were old, and as for Ralph and Potsie... no. Just... no. So it is by process of elimination (and lots of innuendo-laden writing) that even the heterosexual female viewer like myself that, among all the Mrs. Cunningham must be the hottest ticket in the sack.

Or maybe it's just that she's a total MILF. (Having never seen American Pie, I would not use that acronym, except that I'm sure it was around since long before that movie came out, and was coined at least as long ago as Happy Days was filmed before a live studio audience, if not in the actual 50s.)

It seems that some of my hard-earned test-subject money will be going toward seeing musicals this summer, a weakness, I know, but I just love those musicals. Guys and Dolls, at least, will be for Gus' birthday, and Singin' in the Rain - well, why the hell should I have to justify that one? It's Singin' in the goddam Rain! Those of you who don't want to see it should have to justify that.

But this got me thinking about celebrity death, because ever since Gene Kelly died, which was less than a year after I last saw SITR onstage, roughly one celebrity I reeelly like has died per year, with the possible exception of my freshman year of college, but I think I was still mourning Frank Sinatra, so, you know.

My mom didn't really know how to tell me about Gene, so at, like, 4:59 pm on Groundhog Day of 1996, she said, "I think you'd better put the news on, something really sad happened today." And Gene was, of course, the story they opened with, seeing as how he's a huge Pittsburgh celebrity and always danced for the common man, which, in case you don't know, was very relevant to life here until we became Knowledge Town, which reminds me: I should pin up some posters of Jonas Salk.

But what I was really trying to get at with this is that I remember how sad all the newscasters seemed when they were talking about gene, and how they always have to be sad when a celebrity dies. This is, of course, necessary, out of respect, but what if it was a celebrity you hated? Like, what will all the newscasters do when Rodney Dangerfiled dies? Wouldn't you hate to be the person who had to keep a straight face while saying, "Sad news today, actor/comedian Rodney Dangerfield died this morning at the age of ##?" How could you not slip in a quick "And it's about freakin' time that obnoxious hack rid the world of his presence! Jesus!"

But maybe that's why I'm not on TV, and people only read my writing becauseit's free and online. I try to be a tactful person, but before you know it, my distaste for Rodney Dangerfield starts to show through.

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