19 February 2002 - 8:43 p.m.

Or is it a crazy drum? Beating out weird tatoos of the St. Louis Blues."

Sex is in the air. Quite clearly. I don't know what's going on. In public email forums, my friends are requesting more debauchery at parties. In my first class today, the ex kept talking about what a bad time it was to be committed to anyone. Then he asked if I would golf with him sometime. (Don't ask, I don't get it either.) In my second class, workshop got quite heated when we all started arguing about how one guy's story about an extramarital affair should be a lot hotter. The guy next to me shook his head and said, "This is all going to turn into one big orgy." You'd think it was springtime or something.

This is, of course, a tough issue when it comes to one-on-one relationships, particularly when one party is practically a candidate for Sainthood, and the other is the sadder-but-wiser girl ("I hope and I pray for Hester to win just one more A!") Which is not to say that I'm chasing after any red letters myself, just that I am in a tense region - if I'm going to promise to love, honor, and obey one of these days, do I have to start obeying right now? I don't want to piss anyone off, or cheat, or anything like that. I just like lips. Preferably by the dozen.

Just kidding. Because it's not even really that I'm horny. It's that I have odd relationships with my friends - they treat me like a pretty girl, I pay attention to them, we laugh, we drink, we flirt, tutto bello. I spent a long time wanting to be better than that, but after a subplot on The West Wing that dealt with lipstick/stiletto feminism, I realised that sexuality can play a big part in friendship. And when women are a fairly small minority, sexuality can play a big part in those friendships.

I rejected this ideology for a long time, because I wanted to be a good girlfriend, and I mistook prudishness for monogamy. Now I have the best boyfriend in the world, a cat, a few close girlfriends, and that's it. I'm really lonely. I miss connecting with people on the silly, fun level I used to.

I apologize for getting so maudlin all of a sudden. It's just that I've been beating myself up for being so much less interested lately in being sweet and domestic, and much more interested in being drunk and impulsive. I have my whole life to be boring. I have about 2 months left to go crazy, or at least, be unconventional. I can think of nothing more depressing than looking back over my college career and seeing that I'd spent for years obsessing over the future. Jobs. Kids. Marriage. Taxes. Cancer. Good thing I'm planning for that.

The future is now, and it tastes like tequila. I'm off to consume as much as possible.

What I'm wearing:

What I'm reading:

What I'm doing after this: