2001-08-01 - 1:00 p.m.

My answer to the following:

Dear Miss Etiquette:

Here is our problem.� My boyfriend and I go to the movies and to dinner quite a bit and we aren't sure who goes down the aisle first at the movies, me or my boyfriend, and who follows the waiter or the waitress to the table at a restaurant, me or my boyfriend?�� Will you help us?

Signed:� Movie and Restaurant Lovers

would be something to the effect of:

Dear MaRL:

No, I will not help you! Fuck you. You don't have a problem. You love movies, and you get to go to them. You love restaurants, and you get to go out tot them too. I can only assume that since you actually give a shit whether or not you or Prince Charming walks down the damn aisle first, you've never even had to pay for a single one of these outings. You have no problem, unless you count your inability to remove your head from your ass.

Signed: I hate you so much right now, MaRL

Of course, Ms. Ettiquette's answer includes some real gems, like:

"When a couple goes to a restaurant and are to be seated by a Maitre d,' the woman follows the Maitre d' to the table as the Maitre d' is schooled in the art of etiquette and dining and certainly would have the table and chairs of the restaurant in perfect order.

The Maitre d' is also familiar with the lighting and different areas in the restaurant and will seat the lady in the finest light to showcase her dress and manners.� This usually holds true when you are seated by a waiter.�� Remember, a lady's handbag is placed in her lap and never on the table."

Please tell me the thing about the lighting isn't true.

This woman charges five frickin' dollars to answer your questions with Victorian-inspired answers and the tact of a third-grader. Jesus Christ.

What I'm wearing:

What I'm reading:

What I'm doing after this: