21 September 2003 - 5:26 p.m.

If you're like me, going to the new Woody Allen movie is kind of like celebrating Easter. They open once a year, but you can never be sure when. You have to investigate the date beforehand, then all of a sudden, it's upon you. The principle idea is always the same, but you can never be sure what kind of candy you're going to get, because the whole thing is cloaked in secrecy.

And both are good for about 90 minutes of enjoyment.

It's all very ironic, given the target demographic for both.

Suffice it to say, Gus and I saw Anything Else on Friday, (the night it opened, natch) and it was pretty good, even by standards higher than mine.

I am generally a critical hardass, but in terms of Mr. Allen, I am completely twitterpated in all respects. Say what you will about his personal life, but you might want to avoid saying it in my presence if you're not fishing for a pink high heel in your eye socket. In fact, if anyone can point me to a Woody look-alike for my collection, please share the love. Please.

There is this SNL sketch about Woody in which everyone going to his latest movie looks exactly like him, which is a little bit of an oversimplification, if funny. The actual Woody audience tends to include:

1. A middle-aged Jewish couple whose loyalty to WA runs as far back as Bananas and who remains convinced that the next Annie Hall is just around the corner.

2. Two old ladies who are either confused about what they are seeing or who are pretending to be confused in order to get a glimpse of what they hope will be the next Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.

3. The local high school AV club's tragic love triangle. They have already seen everything else playing in the two nerdy guys' efforts to brush the nerdy girl's hand in the dark.

4. The pretentious hipster college/grad student and her long-suffering, goateed boyfriend.

And, thanks to the casting of Jason Biggs in the latest flick, the average audience of Allen's films might reach a whopping 11 people with the added attendance of:

5. Two middle school kids who are expecting the next American Pie look-alike. They were first in line for American Wedding and yelled at their moms the whole time that they were about to be late for the "new Jason Biggs movie." Poor deceived pre-teens.

I probably don't have to tell you where Gus and I fit into this puzzle. Though it bears mentioning that the middle-aged Jewish couple didn't appear until the previews were almost over, which sent me into a panic. In such a situation, the hipster couple must take the place of the middle-aged couple, and I just don't feel read for that.

Even though we spent the following night making Christmas presents and watching TV Land.

What I'm wearing: Pink button-down, cargo skirt.

What I'm reading: Gus watching football.

What I'm doing after this: Groovin' wit' Raymond Williams and his Long-ass Revolution.